EUROPE - BERLIN #1

For reasons unknown, we spend our entire day off driving around the Netherlands before cutting across the breadth of Germany. On previous tours we’ve done ridiculous drives, but 12 hours in the van is this tour’s longest journey. ‘Just One Fix’ and other energizers on the autobahn playlist, fuelling anticipation for 2 nites in Berlin. That scene in ‘Buffalo Soldiers’ where Joaquin Phoenix takes the girl to a club in Germany, they do ecstasy and ‘Blue Monday’ plays. When I saw that at 14 I thought it was the coolest shit ever, set me on the dumbass path I’ve been on since. 

By the time we get to Berlin we are stir crazy. We fight the temptation to simply get doner and shower/sleep. It’s Berlin, our spiritual home from home. The promised land, the dream. High Command compel us to late nite karaoke across town. In a good omen, the karaoke bar is right by a street where my wife had to vomit out of an Uber on a previous Berlin visit. 

After negotiating with a less than sober bouncer we enter the bar, smash tequilas and Ashley queues up Billy Idol for me. The place is maybe a quarter full, very strange people. But probably very normal crowd for 1am Sunday nite/Monday morning karaoke in Berlin. 

Ben grabs me, ‘They’re calling you, you’re on.’ I take him with me, storming the stage. We throw our leather jackets to the floor, tear the mics off their stands, stomp around, WHAT’S UP BERLIN YOU MOTHERFUCKERS READY TO ROCK LETS FUCKING GO CUNTS - ‘White Wedding’ does not play and the room stares at us. 

Reminiscent of Zoolander stealing Hansel’s award, we are informed by the stunning 9 foot tall drag queen compère from side of stage ‘It’s not your turn...’ Ok, thanks for having us everyone. 

Apparently the compère had called on someone with a similar-sounding name. To their eternal credit, instead of having us removed, they let us take on Billy a little later. So we went up and did the same - OK ROUND TWO MOTHERFUCKERS WHAT’S UP! 

Tough crowd, lemme tell ya. We exhibited tuneful, tasteful showmanship (spilled beers, unplugged mic, kept screaming) but exited the stage to silence and disgust. Ashley: ‘We came in and slowly won them over and then you and Ben storm in with your cunts and motherfuckers.’ 

You travel, as a reluctant Brit, wishing to be an ambassador-advocate for internationalism. You just end up giving everyone another reason for Brexit.